I guess I'm getting tired

Written on the 9th August 2006

Into what do I go>?

Another long drive,
for what I ask
This all seems so selfish
this trip
this journey
all about me
have I helped any
Have I led any closer to you Lord?
I fear not

Cable cars in San Fransisco
glimpsed from behind the glass of my van
It's been a long day
driving to get to another campsite after dark,
another place arrived unseen
to be discovered in the morning.

I've felt like you brought me to the desert Lord,
but here I've lost contact with you
lost even the thought of you
just drive
drive on
and drive more
No more lonely drives Lord,
You said I was not built this way
"It is not good for man to be alone"

Yet in so many marriages I see no good in being together
Why is it that way lord?

I'm in Northern California
Near Westwood on the coast
I'm expecting dawn to be incredible
Yet I'm heartbroken at being on this trip alone.

This leg of the trip has turned into rushing to get to where I know there are
friends waiting for me.
I don't care about the stuff inbetween

I skipped almost the entire coast of California up til this point
No one there to meet me
No one to share it with except vicariously online
and that is not enough
No hand to hold at the beauty
no shared words at the marvels
Nothing but the same internal monologue
trying to describe new experiences

How to be alone?

when the world demands you hook up
enveloping yourself in another
even if it only lasts a day, a week, a moment
you can throw them off like an old coat
and pick up a new one at the outlet mall

I hear the waves crashing
past the edge of the bluff I am camped on
Like hopes I have for the future
I wonder what they will look like
and what the shore has become because of them
Find out tomorrow i guess.

Time for sleep

Lots to catch up on from the days past.
So very much
Mexico
Las Vegas
Boulder City, Lake mead